I have no idea what's happening on screen anymore, but there was some West Side Story there which I approve of.

Email!
M1k3y wants to know when Abbey will be blogging the Oscars with me.

Hmm, probably sooner than I would predict. She's already taken control of the HDTV and can pause it to go to the toilet in the middle of Playschool.

WTF is this montage meant to mean? I'm sure it says _something_, but what? Oh, wait, I geddit. It's a defense ag'in all those furrin' fillums that are invading the good ol' Oscars.

He "made her an editor"? With his editor-making magic?

Abbey heard me blogging about her and has woken again (#6)

Email!
Rupert is going to buy Anth's girlfriend's spare Wii. Good to know.

How many montages do they need? Hey, Red Buttons, we have the same birthday.

This isn't funny, it's just prolonging the pain!

I'm going so long between typing things that I'm tempted to post, but this is already entry 12 for the day, so I'll resist. I'd also like to take this oppotunity to apologise for cloggin up anyone's RSS reader.

Second Nominee for Best Dress: Reese Witherspoon

Laptop's running low on fuel.

Email!
Ginette says: someone at 9 actually gets paid to place those ads. Did you get the Happy Inconvenient Truth about Feet one, for a bank I think or pizza or face cream
Go to bed, Ginette.

So does this mean there's only one award left? Best Picture? Please?

Damn.

This is the About Time Award for Scorsese. I understand the film itself is not that great. 'Course I'll look like a dolt if it takes best pic.

I don't think the presenters are supposed to cheer for the nominees.
Me = dolt.

I'd like to thank my mother for encouraging me, my dad for the wireless connection, Richard for staying out of the way (but you didn't have to go that far!), Abbey for eventually sleeping and Billy for providing a welcome distraction. But most of all, thank you for reading this far - here's an Endurance Award for you.

This dolt's going to bed.

Although I don't know why. I think that last email may have unnecessarily encouraged me.

Can they only have one Gyllenhaal per ceremony? 79% of the reason I'm still sitting here is to get a gander at Jake.

Goooo Sid!

Tobey Maguire - close... but no Jake.

This is why they turn the screenplays into movies - they don't make very good readings.

Email!
Ginette says: delay the trip to Disneyland and wait for that museum to open.

Yep, sounds like the place to go. Except if they accost you at the gate with oversized live Oscars for hugs and photo ops. Or animatronic ones that wave you to the souvenirs.

I'm glad that they're putting little nametags up for all the presenters. I can hardly recognise these people.

Heee, that's Jessica Rabbit's dress!

Forty minutes to go.

See, this is why I won't go and see Dreamgirls. *yawn* It's like being stuck in a lift.

Now Billy is trying to claim ownership of my laptop and his fur is sticking to the butter. Shoo cat!

Email!
Ginette says:thank goodness I never spent money seeing Dreamgirls - I thought it was motown

Which just proves that we're related I think.

You know what would really be funny? Clint Eastwood and Michael J. Fox presenting an award together. 'Cept they're not height compatible. (6'2" to 5'4.5" according to IMDb)

These are some good sound tracks. Y'know I heard a great one recently, of course I can't remember what it was, but it was by Danny Elfman only it didn't sound like a Danny Elfman. Clever.

Take it back about the music. yuck. What was that yodel? Egads, they didn't rehearse this did they?

The hardest part of being in the audience must be maintaining a pleasant look, even under such torture. Never know when you're going to be singled out. I wonder if Abigail Breslin is asleep curled up in her chair. I noticed she had a toy monkey earlier.

More awesome than an Award speech in a foreign language?
Eastwood translating. Although it would be strange if he hadn't picked up Italian by now.

Email!
Ginette says: that's the way to do it. Have the speeches in Italian etc so that the audience has to work really hard at looking intelligent. Gwyneth did a good job, Cameron scraped it in. The sheila from titanic = not a clue.

Umm, you mean Kate Winslet?

My eyes are glazing over. Tim Tam Time.

Cheapest Ad Nominee - Ian Hewitson and Kikkoman Sauces.

"They're naked." That's because they've been playing Strip Oscars!

Why is everyone calling this frickin' film "Babble"? Jeeezus.

Oh, Rinko should win! Do'h.

I've just realised the cat never came in after that fight...

Stares glassy eyed at the screen.

The Cat Returns! Just as long as he hasn't butchered another ringtail possum which was yesterday's achievement.

Jerry Seinfeld. I have not thought about this person for years. I'm honestly surprised that he's a living person. Not a funny person, but breathing at least.

Is the definition of documentary "depressing"? I wouldn't have thought so. Not even of these five.

The cat is trying to make up for the possum incident by sitting on me and purring in my ear. Tricky to type.

OK. There's a little more than an hour to go of this thing, I have a crick in my neck and I've ceased to be even slightly funny. One more adbreak and I'm calling it quits.

Bored already and only halfway.

What is it, Ellen's tea break? Who's that guy?

Need more snacks... OK I've gone with the microwave popcorn which may proce to be a fatal mistake, but at least I'll be forced to sit here a while longer.

Second actual laugh - Meryl Streep. And she didn't even say anything.

That's an excellent way to present the costumes. Way better than the usual montage of sketches and photos.

Email!
Sitemeter says I had an average of 22 visits per day last week. Thanks Sitemeter!

Best Dress Nominee: Sherry Lansing

Worst Dress Nominee: Gwyneth Paltrow

"Thanks to cell phones nearly everyone in the world is now a cinematographer." How many things are wrong with that sentence!?!

Cruel torture! The popcorn bag has caused a paper cut which is exacerbated by the salt! Arrgh!
Also, there's butter all over the keyboard.

I seem to be slowing down... so tired. *snore*

Hey Pirates got an award. Cool.

Gorp? That guy got -2 seconds at the mike and he only manages to say "Gorp."

See the audience are so bored they're climbing over each other in an effort to get out. I wonder if the doors are locked? From the ouside I mean.

See, Al Gore and Leo Dicaprio - compatible height. Guess Leo's not the star we thought he was. ;-)

If you're participating in an Oscars drinking game right now please take an extra swig for that appalling Gore vs the orchestra joke.

Drinking games - not something I've ever been interested in. I prefer my food to stay inside me. But I was thinking it would be easy to reinterpret them as a strip game.
So here I present my rules for Strip Oscars:

Take a piece of clothing off every time:
You laugh at a scripted joke.
Someone slips on stage
An animated character appears to actually be on stage
Someone's speech is boring
You take a drink

Put a piece of clothing back on every time:
Someone thanks God/Jesus/other religious personage
The orchestra cuts someone off.
An otherwise talented actor can't disguise the fact that they're reading from a teletext.
A film appears in a medley that you can't identify

Suggested amendments happily taken by email

And the best part is that you can play it solo. In fact I'm taking my left sneaker off right now...

There were too many exclmation points in that last post. I'll limit their use in future. promise

That's not an orchestra, it's a computer.

Now this is a choir. I love the way they bob up and down to keep time.

First laugh - someone named Eric?

Bub? Why would you choose to keep a name lke that?

First nominee for Best Accent - James McAvoy

These must be the serious sound mixers of Hollywood. 24 nominations between the three of them. (exclamation point)

The one true sign of whether or not you've "made it" as a Hollywood star is if you get to present an Academy Award solo, or if you have to do it in partnership with someone whom you only have compatible height in common. Congratulations Rachel Weisz.

Who's the bodiless voice? It's kind of creepy the way he comes up with weird facts about the winners.

So Ellen's working the crowd like Jerry Springer or something...be great if she started offering advice like Dr Phil.

This is really really wrong, but I can't be the only one who, when faced with that photo of "Miracle Baby Amillia's" feet thinks "Gummi lolly". Wrong wrong wrongitty wrong.

This is not the Cars song that I assumed was nominated. Huh. I now doubt that any of the nominated songs are ones I would choose to listen too.

That was a very convoluted way to get to the point of Art Direction. Why is the word "Frodo" on screen? Don't tell me someone made another LOTR movie.

One of my neighbours is taking this opportunity to take down a tree with a chainsaw. Mmmm the petrol fumes are going to do wonders for my comprehensibility.

Mmmm Maggie Gyllenhaal...

When I think Oscar I don't think contemporary dance. Just throwing that out there.

Abbey yelling: #5 Thank God. Don't think I can stand many more of these ads.

Comedians "singing" in a musical-parody medley? Oh, Just Stop It.

That's not make-up. That guy's nose really looks like that.

The automatic mike height thingy! I love that!

Animated shorts! Dear Channel Nine please show these instead of advertisements. Even though Harvey Crumpet won last year(?), which I don't particularly like.

West Bank Story looks great!

Does Jack Nicholson have a disease I'm not aware of? He has no hair..

There should be an award for most words crammed into the alotted 45 seconds.

One hour down, three to go

Does Ch.9 really think that anyone would be missing 1 vs 100 at this point?

Surely some more women were nominated? This is gross. It's a pity party for the nominees.

Didn't attend to Abbey's last yells. She's stil going.

What's the point of this? We don't know (most of) thier names, and they're not wearing the same outfits they'll be wearing tonight so....

Ooh email! OK, Bending Subjected (!?) wants to know if I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
No, I don't. But thanks for asking!
Keep those emails coming (har har)

Roight - here's the host.
WTF is on her feet?
A dream come true to host the Academy Awards? Surely winning would be better...but I guess you get more time on stage than anyone...

OK - big year - Most International Oscars Ever. *shrug* Still boring.

Time to fess up. I think I've seen a total of three of the nominated films this year, and one of thise is Cars (Best Original Song Nominee). But I've seen it like twenty times!

Abbey yelling: #4

Abbey wanted me to leave her door open. She didn't believe me when I told her it wasn't interesting television.

I was right - praising Al Gore is a gimmee. And no, I don't want to look at DiCaprio.

No blacks, Jews or gays = no Oscars. Aren't you learning a lot tonight?

Eww, first staged number. They have 12 choristers. That's pathetic. This is the Oscars1 There should be at least a hundred!!!

Even the dresses are boring.

Gee, I knew Jessica Simpson had fallen on hard times, but selling pizza? Poor thing.

Year after year Nicole unsuccessfully tries to avoid talking to Wilkins on the red carpet. She looks gift-wrapped.

More gum.

Abbey yelling: #3
Also, neighbour's kid yelling and Billy (our cat) is in a fight.

Glam Cam? Whoever is responsible for that name, the filter and the crappy crappy music should be sacked.

The perfect skin for the Oscars would be clean methinks.

My first prediction for this evening is that it's going to be exceedingly dull. All these people Wilkins is interviewing are dead boring and Degeneres as host is just blah. I'll laugh, but only due to lack of resistance. There are no contentious films nominated - people are trying to make a deal out of Babel, but Crash has already been there.

Someone better fuck up big time to make this memorable.

Better song.

This would be a whole lot easier if I could touch type.

Abbey gets out of bed: #1

Abbey yelling: #1

OK, so I tried to get comments turned back on for this evening to make this more participatory, but too late. (Would've taken the pressure off a bit too). Considering I don't have the advantage of multiple bloggers feel free to email me throughout the night and I'll do something spontaneous with them.

Abbey yelling: #2

Well I'm here, where's the action? I was worried today that I'd not have enough snacks to get me through this, and no time to get to the shops. But I think I'll be right.

Snack Inventory
3.8 Little Creatures beers
microwave popcorn
potato wedges
guacamole (rhymes with rock-and-rolly according to Abbey)
hummus and crackers
hot chocolate
seven varieties of tea
one Tim Tam (saving that for last)

Ahh, here he is. Mr Richard Same-Hair-Since-1987 Wilkins. Eww I hate that song. Absolutely they would have chosen Helen Mirren b/c she's the most physically like the Queen. Waaa? Beyonce - 7 years=forever. Gum chewing should be banned from the red carpet. Imagine if it got onto someone's gazillion dollar shoe?

Why do they need to advertise Elevit? Surely every doctor does that for them?

I look and feel almost exactly like this today...

Get Your Monster Name

Update:

Get Your Cyborg Name

It's not a coincidence is it?

I am planning again to live-blog the Oscars ceremony. It will be a reward for having tackled a certain story to the page (you hear me, story?) and I'll be in the mood to celebrate with acts of lunacy. And there's no one around who can stop me.

For "live-blogging" please read "a general ranting during the Academy Awards telecast which may or may not relate to same" (Monday 26 Feb 8pm EST Channel Nine). I'll be providing bitchy, inaccurate, biased commentary on something that happened half a planet away and eight hours earlier. If you're closer to the action, think of it as a delayed-for-your-safety blogcast; there'll be no Nipplegate here, nosiree. If I'm very organised I'll be typing by 7.30pm - in time to cover Richard Wilkins on the red carpet. Such an easy target.

2006 Oscar's coverage:
Part Zero - a reprint of snark from 2003
Part One - where I settle down with snacks and bemoan lack of alcohol
Part Two - a walk in the black forest along the red carpet
Part Three - I celebrate the choice of host
Part Four - I nominate CrimeStoppers for an Oscar
Part Five - I fail to back a winner
Part Six - I fail to identify a Hollywood star.
Past Seven - I fail to communicate coherently.
Part Eight - A detailed critique of the set design, Heath Ledger's accent, Tom Hanks' hair and I fail to back a winner.

I shall not be sorry if I never see another:

1. Crocs sandal.
2. exercise in paint slapped on canvas touted as abstract art. (A technique favoured by home improvement shows and related magazines.)
3. episode of Torchwood.
4. All of the above.

As Richard said, "What is your point?"

Ummm, there's a surfeit of button noses and only one hairdresser in Hollywood?

The first episode of "I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue" aired in 11 April 1972. From a listener's recording, it is available from the BBC for a week only. 36 minutes.

(via Crooked Timber)

More information on this long-running radio show at Wikipedia.

I�m fond of pink. I like a number of activities that are considered feminine (see: liqueur chocolates). What wears me down is the constant, grinding creed of �girls are like this! And boys are like this! They just are, and they must remain so!� that is rarely explicitly stated and yet is constantly replicated in everything � comics, movies, TV, toys, posters, theatre, fanfic, dance, diamond advertisements, school uniforms, child beauty pageants and those awful GossipGirl books with the headless cover photographs.

Karen Healey gets all up in the face of marketeers that have rebranded Supergirl as a beauty queen princess.

Rightly so. The whole gender-specific colours, clothing and activities trend is leading me to say things to Abbey, such as, "Of course a girl could wear a wrestling costume if she wanted to." Instead of "That's ridiculous. No one should wear a wrestling costume."

This is great news, but I'm not sure how many of the television shows that I want to rewatch I'd be willing to pay for.
DAAS Kapital - absolutely,
The Big Gig - no,
that episode of Playschool where they made a sheep out of tampons? - tough call.